eat broccoli.

i’ve been yawning for the past two hours, but that’s not going to stop me from waiting for the eclipse! and now i feel even more encouraged to stay up since people are (actually) msging me on msn. tehehe

i drive myself crazy sometimes. when there’s nothing to do. to see. to eat. no where to be. i end up in an angela vs angela mental battle. i doubt my doubts, does this make it a double doubt? things will be less complicated if i didnt overanalzye and think too much! but then i woudlnt be angela. hmmm

anywho, i found my hubby. too bad he’s someone else’s hubby as well…like actually. he’s married nad has a kid, and if that’s not enough…he doenst even know i exist! a tisket a tasket..well, his name is patrick wilson, maybe you’ve heard of him? he’s the recent raoul from “phantom of the opera” that means he can sing and be awfully charming simultaneously.

i think charm is a very important quality. i tend to go for the charming kinds. before i thought it was important if a guy was able to diffierenate between whose vs who’s, their vs their, your vs you’re, etc. but apparently, charm makes me more excited than syntax and grammar and such.

i feel empty. well, my stomach feels empty, and my stomach is pretty important! too bad i’ve already brushed my teeth; i feel discouraged to munch on any more junk.

can’t think of anything else to write, i’ve ran out of random pills.

-boots

we (lisa, nicole, dustin and i) walked from the bus loop, crossed the street, walked across the parking lot and we ended up in the south side of the mall. from there, i put on my invisible shoppers feet and sped walked all the way to the escalator scolding those who were standing on the left side; in a sly manner i continued to walk in my shopper’s pace to the far north side the mall: h&m’s location.

of course, at coquitlam centre h&m was only one floor…the sections are sorta whacked. first it was more zara-esque women clothing, then children, then men, then the younger generation of clothing (mainly my generation aka more trendy and hip). yeah, things were cheap there, i think that’s the only appealing factor.

 i bought a black tshirt. HAHAH
 commuted all the way to coquitlam centre and bought a tshirt…LAMMMMMMMMMMME.

im pooped.

what is “the flow?”
it knows not between right and wrong;
it cannot sing, dance or laugh;
it has no emotions and cannot express feelings;
it has no mind and cannot think on its own.

most importantly,
the flow goes wherever it wants;
the flow has no direction,
whether to go left or right, or stay straight ahead.

and the flow, most definitely
has no destination.

if i go with the flow, where will it lead me?
towards an on-going fatal flood
that will soon defeat me.

if i go with the flow, will it resolve things?
it knows not when to stop,
the ripples turn into rifts that cease not to mend things;
because the flow knows not.

why should i trust the flow?
how do i trust a mindless, directionless, destinationless, knowingless
abstraction?

i refuse to go with the flow.

 -A. Jung

i find that as a writer, i can express my feelings a lot better than when i say things. ’cause when i say things, i don’t tend to actually “say” things– i just ask a bunch of questions, followed by more questions. needless to say, when i write, i write down everything that needs to be said, everything that’s necessary. as opposed to when i speak, because things just come right out like word-vomit. you should always watch what you say– espeically if you care about the other person.

looking back, i regret a lot of things that haven’t been said immediately, or things that just haven’t been said at all. yes, i know it’s bad to regret things, nobody should have regrets. but it’s simply too rainbow, sunshine, lollipops to not have regrets, you know? if i could, i’d write down everything that the other person needs to know in a book, a journal, or a letter, just so that the other person knows the cause and effect of their actions. many of which are great, and some bad– that’s just life.

i wish i could write letters to everyone important in my life. it’s do-able, but it seems like i’m dying or something, so i wont. *knock on wood* and sometimes, more than words is all i need to do to expess the way i feel. words are over rated. tehehe

there’s another problem i have with saying things out loud. the tone of voice. sometimes it gets too high-pitchd from excitement. and sometimes it gets unfriendly and hostile. all these things i can’t help; all these things i wish i had more control over. the way i behave is controlled by past experience with the peson whom i’m speaking with. if we had an amiable experience, i’d be warm and friendly. if the experience wasn’t so great, i’d hostile. sometimes, when i’m not speaking in front of the person, but through other methods like teh telephone, i become triggered by their voice. and although i am not feeling angry at the person, my voice comes out that way. i need control. i dont mean to be, it just happens.

 i woke up early and now im tired. but i can’t wait to go out and enjoy the gloominess. going out: anothe beautiful release. this way, i’m not cooped inside my house and overthink things. things are larger than life in yellowrainboot’s head.

 later days

the peach was so succulent. mmm. but it’s because of yummy peaches such as these that we are all contributing to global warming. but peaches aren’t really that big of a criminal compared to kiwis. kiwis from new zealand espeically.
i understand that we probably don’t produce a lot of fruits that you desire, like kiwis, durians, guava, bananas, etc just because the weather isn’t warm enough in canada; however, we should try our best to buy as many local produce as possible!
how is a gala apple from the US any better than an oakangan apple grown by our local farmers? the answer is clear: it isn’t. in fact, it’s worst! local products are more ripe when they are picked to be shipped; therefore, they’re more delicious and nutritious! and think of all the air pollution that gets emitted into the air when produce is flown over to our markets. it’s just not worth it. save our planet =) tehhe.

just the other day i was helping my mom prepare dinner– this only happens on a very rare occasion– then i mentioned how humans act as if they own the world instead of seeing humans as only a part of this very diverse community that has been created for all living creatures. i think this is a human superiority complex. anyhow, my mom thought i was chewing on a heavy topic. i can’t help it, i want to share my philosophy and my values with everyone. i’ve been heavily influenced by Ishmael it’s such a life-changing novel, written by Daniel Quinn. I do have an earnest desire to save the world. but how do i get others to feel the same way? by changing their minds

i’ll be back with some awesome ISHMAEL quotes next time.

enjoy the minimal sunshine!
–rainboots

 sometimes when i think too much i go ballistic. and i clearly look less adorable than this little munchkin up top.
it’s unavoidable considering how im unemployed and unschooled. and it’s summer and everyone else is employed or taking classes or having too much fun sans moi. so i’ve thought of alternatives!
i will volunteer!
people tend to stop volunteering once they’ve started making money. have you volunteered since you’ve been employed?
apart from extra curricular activities back in high school, the last time i really, really, really volunteered was back in gr 9/10 when i helped out at renfrew community centre as a part of YVCC (youth volunteer corps of canada). see! even the name says it all.
so i applied to volunteer for ASSIST, it’s this program that ubc has to help internationl students adjust to life on campus and in vancouver.
and im going to volunteer at a care centre. i grabbed an application form from the care centre near my house, but apparently i have to do some sort of health test (blood test required?). and most importantly, they dont even have a knitting group! so i might go back to three links.

so my sister just walked by, and she said: you’re right, you do think too much.
it’s not a form of illness…but to some extremes, i certainly make it as one.

will elaborate later…maybe.

tata!

i know when i tell you that i can’t/don’t eat red meat on
tuesdays
thursdays
and fridays
you give me an incredulous expression across your face

why those days?
is what you’d ask me

JUST BECAUSE, god damn.

that’s stupid, you wont be able to last
is what you’d tell me

well so be’t.

anyway, now that i reflect, i haven’t really anyone who’s supported me through this lifestyle change except for my mom. she’d ask whether or not i was staying home for dinner, and if i was then she’d make an extra plate of vegetables. but then again, she was the one that complained about me looking pale due to the lack of iron from not eating meat…she’s just paranoid. but even before that, she did suggest bringing me to the doctor’s to see what sort of supplement pills i should take to support my new lifestyle change.

and i know some of you have made fun of me since i didn’t last very long as a vegetarian
(one day to be precise)
and i know some of you think this whole thing is ridiculous
(all of you to be precise)

BUT
i will soldier it
and watch
i will not eat red meat on TThF
for a long, long, long time.

love ya later,
rainboots