eat broccoli.

yesterday i tagged along with my mom while she visited my yee poh (my grandpa’s cousin’s mother) at the senior home. i cannot fathom the thoughts that ran through my mind when i walked past the eating hall filled with other people’s grandfathers and grandmothers; but mostly grandmothers. my yee poh was in the recreation centre where they were watching some chinese television show. my mom scanned all the grandmother’s faces trying to find our yee poh. she was the only one wearing shades and a cap.

she was so overjoyed when she saw my mom and i. you could hear, but mostly feel her gratitude, warmth and appreciation for our visit. she kept on thanking my mom for visiting and she would reach out her hand for me ever so often and would grasp onto me. even though she’s my distant relative, i felt so close to her and so, so guilty at the same time. i could tell even though she was wearing shades that she was teary-eyed because even i felt overwhelmed that i wanted to cry. when we left i hugged her and she kissed me. and our departure only made me feel more guilty.

my mom only visits once a year. my grandpa visits once a year. her son visits ever so often. and her grandchildren and great-grandchildren visit infrequently.

when we left my mom told me how my yee poh’s been lonely her whole life. her husband was beat to death and she was left widowed. her son went to hong kong to make a living. and then he immigrated to canada with my grandpa. it wasn’t until her son married that she was able to move to canada. to their dismay, she didnt get along with her daughter in law, so she move out. then she worked as someone’s nanny until retirement. she lived alone in an apartment closeby to chinatown until she could no longer take care of herself. now she’s living in the senior’s home 3 yrs shy of 100.

are our own grandparents and greatgrandparents such a bother that we must remove them from society and into one institution? are we so consumed in our own lives and fortunes that we do not love and respect our elderly? this subject depresses me too much. a higher-being created humans so that every one of us will grow old, so why do we only send love and empathy to our senior familial ties at our own convenience? why should love be conditional and limited?

…and now my heart.

to my surprise boxing day was really, really awesome. waking up at 630 this morning was totally worth it for a full shift of fun and friends. and i got to help my cover the cashier’s shift while they were on break– and you know how i feel about doing cash. but it was a tad difficult today because of the extra discounts, wayyyyyyy too many buttons to press.

i called us superstars when i worked in the changing rooms. we got rid of our dud piles super fast. we folded and hung right when teh customer gave us their rejected clothes and once we placed the clothes onto the table or rack, the dud runners would put them away asap. i have never witnessed such great teamwork! and more than 60% percent of the workers were brAND NEW, it was their absolute first shift (we desperatedly needed people on boxing day). for everything to work out as perfectly as it did, i am seriously sooo impressed.

oh! and the food. we had a potluck and it was just so much fun. and then in change rooms we had a bag of candy and we’d offer candy to the customers while they waited in line. it was just so, so, so, much fun!!! (well, except when they rejected me).

sidenote: i just weighed myself and im several lbs heavier than what i was this morning. omgat. omgat. omgat. and it only goes up from here. btw, im eating my third bowl of mango pudding (after two servings of dinner and several servings of fruit cocktail and lots of appies) and drinking white wine.

i remember several years back (seems like econs ago) when i’d antiticpate christmas morning to open the many presents beneath the christmas tree. as the years went by i started to receive fewer and fewer presents from my family: we were getting too old and shopping for us was “difficult.” the same christmas excitement just wasnt the same anymore, i want to stay excitable and easily pleased just like my little siblings. my brother was getting super antsy last night because he didnt see any presents with his name under it.

when will my presents come? asked he.
you only get presents if you’ve been a good boy. replied mum.
aww man, now i wont get presents forever! said he.

and he was up since 8 this morning waiting for everyone else to wake up before he could start opening his presents. i wish i could share the same anxiety!

i opened my sister’s present with indifference. she got me a TNA sweater. it’s plum. i wanted a plum one since back in april i cant believe she still remembered! too bad im trying to outgrow the zip-ups soooooooo…i hesitated for half an hour before asking for a refund…tehhe. i feel bad– i really, really do! but i know she woudnt mind (too much).

my parents like the vacuum. it was a heavy trek bringing it from one side of the amll to the skytrain, definitely hard work! now comes the tricky part: where to store it? my current vacuum is half its size, so it’s grandness is definitely its greatest downfall.

i just spent a good 5 min mesmorized by the snow outside. incrediable. absolutely outstanding! this is definitely something…

in about 4.5 hrs i’ll be heading to my grandma’s brother’s house. lots of relations…my dad’s cousin’s and their children and then my aunts and uncles and my cousins. every year we have about 30-40 people in that house. this is how i know it’s truly christmas, when my fam starts making food to bring over. well, usually christmas dinner is at our house and we’d eat dinner at their house on boxing day; but we alternate ever so often and this year isnt our turn.

tomorrow my house will be filled with christmas flavours! although i started the blog kind of gloomy, i’m slowly starting to be excited about christmas. but, to be frank, it’s really awkward when see my relations. half of them i only see during christmas. we make small talk and go about doing our own business. we’re not a chatty bunch like the folks in home alone.

we’re awkward, but i love it anyway. even though it’s not quality interactions like they the ones in movies and television it’s something familiar and i look forward to it every year. it’s crazy, and maybe it’s just me.

my mom is making me clean up. the house is sort of a mess and we’re expecting a lot of company tomorrow morning. ahh boxing day! i’ve never worked on boxing day…i’ve always been the one doing the shopping…this shall be interesting!

merriest holiday to you and your family.
xox

every sunday morning at otw is clean up day.
for two straight hours (9-11) we clean. we vacuum and mop all the floors. windex the windows. scrub the sideboards. do the whole washroom thang. we even clean the walls inside the changing rooms!
if my mom knew what sort of cleaning i am capable of, she’d make me clean every weekend!
so far, vacuuming is by far my favourite!

i can hear my mom vacuuming upstairs right now as i slurp my tomato soup– but i dont really want to lend a hand…i just got back home from work! this is what happens, i dont want to help with laundry either…i fold clothes all the time!

so, i’ve always known i’m a people person, but my golly! i really, really need people. the only times when i truly, sincerely look forward to work is when i know that my favourite co-workers will be around the same zone as me. they are my reason why i love going back to work. there are such wonderful people at work!

last, last week i was trained on cash. i definitely like doing cash, that’s where the magic happens. jean wall and cash is when you spend the most quality time with people. jean wall is where you can really help. and at cash, you are their final destination in the store. and of course, there’s always the changing rooms. some customers are so open-minded and i always feel flattered when they ask for my opinion. i do have awesome opinions, after all.

i hope i dont wake up by 4am tomorrow morning (i’ve been doing this consecutively for a week now *yawn*), i have work again in the morning! i need a nap…

xox

i have been stuck at home for the past 5 days, and all i wanna do is out go. is that so much to ask? except NO ONE wants to go out with me.
they are either…out of the country, preparing to leave the country, at work, believe i need to ‘rest’ (what bull), have other plans, or they made up some other lame excuse.

so im feelnig indignant and bitter. rawr.

…and no im not being pessimistic.

so there are 4 people i call often. two of those are in asia right now. boo. and then i get a text msg from liss last night telling me that she’s probably going to california this winter break to visit her grandma. DOUBLE-YOU TEE EFF?! im sure she’ll have an amazing time…but this means i’ll only have hyundai to talk to. and he’s not even always available! this has got to be the lonliness winter break in the history of winter breaks!

TIME TO MAKE NEW BEST FRIENDS! but i like the ones i have now…

so you know what’s irritating?!
when people ask me what i wnat for christmas.
you know what’s super irritating?!
when people ask me what i want for christmas on facebook. how impersonal.

i mean, isnt giving a gift about ‘the thought that counts’ if you’re not going to put any effort and thought into it, what’s the point of getting me anything? for the gesture? well doenst asking me what i want defeat the purpose? plus, it makes me feel greedy and ungrateful when i tell someone what i want. do you want me to feel greedy and ungrateful?!

anyway, another reason why this holiday will suck is because i’m getting my wisdoms extracted tomorrow morning. it will definitely be a chipmunk christmas! i know i’ll miss out on a lot of delicious holiday food…oh well, at least i dont have to worry about maintaining my weight! bwhaha

im going to sign off now before i become even more unlikable…
–bitter and miserable

when im sick.

actually, not really. the only emotions i express are: bitterness, frustration, crankiness and i’m just plain peeved. and right now i’m in a cynical dispoisition. damn buckley’s! you taste awful, and that’s about it. i’m still sick, you suck!

so this totally sucks. last night i went to sleep uber early and i woke up by midnight. and then i dont know what time i fell back asleep…but then i woke up again at 4am. ugh. and then my fire alarm was making weird noises because we lost power in the middle of the night. i dont remember when iwent back to sleep. but i’m pretty sure my biological cloak is majorly screwed up right now.

i’m without needles. i’m without yarn. what to do? watch movies on channel 46 all day? perhaps i will read. i found my sister’s library book on the stairs today. it’s called middlesex and i saw the epi where oprah talked about it. i’m really excited to read it. but i’m feeling so weak! so weak i cannot hold onto a book. it does have a lot of pages, mind you. anyway, middlesex is an absolutely haunting novel, i can tell just by its first sentence. it says…”i was born twice: first, as a baby girl, on a remarkably smogless detroit ady in january of 1960; and then again, as a teenage boy in an emergency room near petoskey, michigan, in august of 1974.”

hence: middlesex. totally interesting, no? i bet you want to pick up a copy and read it too, no?

okay that’s all for now! toodles.

the secretly admired

no matter the distance, this person will always admire you. they are your greatest supporter, your number one fan. they see your flaws but loves you to bits regardless. but you’re no fool, you’ve had your suspicions. they’re great for boosting your confidence and self esteem. do you reciprocate? no, not really. for some reason you don’t think things will work out, or you’re just not that into interested or attracted to them. pk describes this as communism. to think of this as a utopia but in reality, it’s inevitable tradgey.

the secret admirer

sometimes you’re shy. and sometimes you’re bold. either way, you’re dying to know whether or not the admiree has any clue or if they feel the same way. this phenomenon is very elementary and high school-esque unless you suffer from extreme anxiety attacks or shyness. you seem to believe that no one will love them as passionately and unconditionally like you, yet you dont make a move. you may drop subtle hints here and there, or you may be excessively kind to them and give them attention whenever they desire it. in return, you just want to know if there’s a chance– whether they secretly admire you too but have been just as shy.

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

were you foolish and thought they weren’t good enough for you? or did you not appreciate them when you had the chance? whatever the circumstance, they are the one that got away. they make you feel absolutely horrible about yourself. you’re miserable. and you blame yourself, no doubt. but what can you do? you probably spend most of your time reminiscing and then regretting your actions. they leave you with an open wound, and hopeful wishing gives you the false sense that they will return and things will be better. but that’s just hopeful wishing for ya. you can’t help but wonder if they ever think of you the slightest bit or are you the only one feeling excruciating agony. you make your friends uncomfortable whenever they’re around you and you’re a wreck. if you’re able to pull yourself together, it’s a facade. you’re still experiencing emotional turmoil. poor baby. hopefully you will fall out of this feeling…perhaps when you meet someone better– if you give yourself the chance. don’t worry, lots of people experience this phenomenon and here are some videos for proof:

you, do you remember me?
like i remember you?
do you spend your life going back in your mind to that time?
cause i, i walk the streets alone.
i hate being on my own.
and everyone can see that i really fell
and im going through hell
thinking you are with somebody else.
…chorus:
somebody wants you; somebody needs you;
somebody dreams about you every single night.
somebody can’t breathe, without you it’s lonely.
somebody hopes that you will see
somebody’s me.

i cannot go to the ocean;
i cannot drive the streets at night;
i cannot wake in the morning…
without you on my mind.
so you’re gone and i’m haunted,
and i bet you are just fine.
did i make it that easy
to walk right in and out of my life?
…chorus
good-bye, my almost-lover
good-bye, my hopeless dreams
i’m trying not to think about you
can’t you just let me be?
so long my luckless romance
my back is turned on you.
shoulda known you’d bring me heartache
almost-lovers always do.