you know that ‘the office’ episode where the guy is heartbroken so he plays ‘goodbye my lover’ on repeat. well i am not listening to any particular song on repeat but i am listening to a playlist of songs that remind me of nicholas. and i am not heartbroken. i just realized i will not be seeing him for possibly eight months, and maybe three months if i am lucky.

it still has not kicked in yet. the closest moment to me realizing that i will not see him for a long time was when i wanted to drop him off instead of him bussing me home. i wanted to spend more time with him, you see. and his mom wanted him home by 7 30. so i walked him to his apartment. when he finally went into the elevator it still did not hit me. a few moments later he opened the elvator door and started waving at me. i waved back. and then the door closed. i stood there looking at the numbers go up…G, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 and finally it landed on the 14th floor. and that’s when i knew the elevator door was not going to open again and i would not see him smiling at me while he waved.

still, i did not cry.

i went home and started compiling all our photos into the photo album he gave me. i called him once i got home to let him know i got home safely. and then he called me after his shower. still, it did not hit me.

he called me after he checked in the airport and we talked for an hour. and still, it did not hit me. i felt indifferent. after we hung up i went to sleep immediately.

i woke up around 2 though and i probably didn’t sleep until 5 even after i drank warm milk. so maybe it does affect me subconsciously.

i woke up at 8. and didnt’ make the playlist until 9. and this is what i have been listening to for the past 1.5 hrs.

ideally i would not want a boyfriend before i leave for japan because distance will either make the heart grow fonder or it will make the eyes wander. it’s too much of an emotional risk. and nicholas was never in the picture when i applied for the japan co-op program. i’ve asked him several times “what did you get yourself into?” and he’d always reply with “a great thing.”

we’ve already taken a giant leap of faith. we’ll have to see where we go from here…