il fait parti de moi hier soir

you know that ‘the office’ episode where the guy is heartbroken so he plays ‘goodbye my lover’ on repeat. well i am not listening to any particular song on repeat but i am listening to a playlist of songs that remind me of nicholas. and i am not heartbroken. i just realized i will not be seeing him for possibly eight months, and maybe three months if i am lucky.

it still has not kicked in yet. the closest moment to me realizing that i will not see him for a long time was when i wanted to drop him off instead of him bussing me home. i wanted to spend more time with him, you see. and his mom wanted him home by 7 30. so i walked him to his apartment. when he finally went into the elevator it still did not hit me. a few moments later he opened the elvator door and started waving at me. i waved back. and then the door closed. i stood there looking at the numbers go up…G, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 and finally it landed on the 14th floor. and that’s when i knew the elevator door was not going to open again and i would not see him smiling at me while he waved.

still, i did not cry.

i went home and started compiling all our photos into the photo album he gave me. i called him once i got home to let him know i got home safely. and then he called me after his shower. still, it did not hit me.

he called me after he checked in the airport and we talked for an hour. and still, it did not hit me. i felt indifferent. after we hung up i went to sleep immediately.

i woke up around 2 though and i probably didn’t sleep until 5 even after i drank warm milk. so maybe it does affect me subconsciously.

i woke up at 8. and didnt’ make the playlist until 9. and this is what i have been listening to for the past 1.5 hrs.

ideally i would not want a boyfriend before i leave for japan because distance will either make the heart grow fonder or it will make the eyes wander. it’s too much of an emotional risk. and nicholas was never in the picture when i applied for the japan co-op program. i’ve asked him several times “what did you get yourself into?” and he’d always reply with “a great thing.”

we’ve already taken a giant leap of faith. we’ll have to see where we go from here…

 

here’s my ten cents, my two cents is free!

 

a nuisance, who sent? you sent for me?

so the other day jayjay and i had a discussion about pursuit and gender roles. i know that we are in the twenty-first century, but i have some pretty anti-feminist ideals. i am going to put it out there anyway. 

i firmly believe that guys should still be the pursuers, even though current teen magazines would describe how liberating it feels for a girl to ask a guy out. but ladies, don’t you know your worth? you only deserve the best: appreciation, adoration, admiration, and the list goes on. you shouldn’t have to move a finger because the best will come to you.

and if he doesn’t? then perhaps he’s just not that into you. but if he does like you and he still doens’t do anything then this says two things. one: perhaps he needs a little nudge, some guys are naturally super shy and just need assurance. two: he’s a lost cause because you want a guy who is confident and assertive– you will not settle for anything less.

i mean, isn’t any guy who subjects himself to vulnerbility and rejection worthy enough for your consideration? this is the greatest display of confidence and assertiveness. who’s ever heard of anyone looking for someone who’s insecure.

hi my name is jane and i am looking for an insecure, indecisive, lazy boy. you don’t often come across one of these characters– i guarantee you.

remember: a guy who does not pursue you is either not into you or he’s not good enough for you. in both cases, he’s not worth your time.

“She will and she can find a man who knows her worth!
Mmmmmmmmm

(Chorus)
‘Cause a real man knows a real woman when he
sees her (when he sees her)
And a real woman knows a real man
Ain’t ‘fraid to please her (please her)
And a real woman knows a real man always
comes first (first)
And a real man just can’t deny
A woman’s worth” — Alicia Keyes

 

01. 21. 08.- the good, the bad and the beautiful

today was such a great day! one of those days when the weather outside directly reflects my internal feelings.

i woke up a little late, and i didn’t really have time to get ready but i caught the bus just in time. i got to the 99 bline a bit early and i had to wait for liss for about 7 minutes so i went into blenz to get hot chocolate. i saw my friend working but he didnt recognize me at first due to the morning rush resulting in me having to wear glasses. anywho, i was so slow at first. i gave him my order and he just smiled and told me to move along. i thought to myself: am i not at the cash desk? does he not want to take my order? so i got a free cup of white hot chocolate and it was yum. this was the beginning of my beautiful day.

and the bus ride was swell since i had liss’ company and we chit-chatted the whole way despite her hoarse and unattractive sick-voice.

after school today i bussed to broadway station. and only guess what! i left my lovely, purple, cozy mittens on the bus : ( i am SUCH a scatterbrain! and i saw the skytrain leave and i knew i would miss the bus so i called winnie and asked to go over (yes, im shameless).

fun times chez winnie. she had an on-call shift and we totally thought they wouldnt need her and we’d watch ‘27 dresses’ together, but fate had different plans for us. turns out they needed her because our store was doing an ADDITIONAL FIFTY PERCENT OFF ALL SALE ITEMS!! OMGAAAAAAAAAAAAT what a steal!
so she was like: do you want to go to metro instead?
then we went to metro only planning to do some light shopping before she had to go to her shift.
so i bought a pair of pretty knit white gloves at icing to compensate for my earlier loss. but only guess what? when i was trying on this cute, black, baby doll styled kensie jacket i wanted to try it with my new gloves. so when i whipped them out i noticed they were BOTH right handed!

just my luck indeed.
i went back hoping they may possibly have a left hand for me…but somebody wanted to punish me with cold hands today. but, i got my $3. 19 back…although i’d rather keep those pretty gloves.

anyway, after winnie left me to go to work i received a call from them half an hr later to go to work to help out. how could i refuse? i knew winnie was going to be there and i didn’t really have anything better to do…and being submersed in all the cheap merchandises helped me pick out some great deals for myself! tehhe. bon marche!

despite the fact my day didn’t go as perfectly planned…it turned out to be really awesome– surprisingly! i can’t stop smiling. this is my favourite thing to wear: a smile.

good night!
xox

 

i have to share this video…

it’s so beautiful and honest. and the boy is so cute at 1:57.