i’ve always wanted a gay friend…

always, always, always.

now that i have one, i wonder why i haven’t been able meet some sooner!
haha don’t get me wrong or anything… i don’t make friends based on their sexuality. it’s not like i have some sort of criteria sheet that i make them fill or anything!

well, i met my new best friend at work last week. we just *clicked* because it’s practically written in our DNA or something.

this is why gay friends are fab:
did you know they always give honest and fabulous shopping advice?
it’s true. i came into work when i saw him in change rooms. i tried on a couple hats and he just openly gave me his opinion. i never asked for it– i like shopping on my own. but it was very sweet of him to give me his honest opinion. being the indecisive person that i am, i really needed it at that moment.

did you know they always give great relationship advice?
it’s true. one of my co-workers was having relationship problems and he just stepped up to the plate and gave her his two cents. i was listening the whole time amazed by his insight. it was totally in an optimistic guy p.o.v. because sometimes girls jump to conclusion and assume the worst. at least i know i am like that. but listening to him say a few things, as briefly as it was, was enlightening and helpful.

did you know that they will be your gay-club clubbing buddy?
it’s true. i told him i wanted to go to celebrities and only guess what? I AM GOING NEXT SATURDAY. i have always wanted to go to a gay club since before i turned 19. and this heightened after i went to the gay pride parade. i am super excited for next saturday!!!

anyway, i am sure this list will lengthen as i begin to spend more time with him. too bad i am leaving soon! or not. stupid japanese embassy. did i mention i dont know when i am leaving to japan now?!

xox
miss distressed.

 

i just got off the phone with…

my ex-roommate’s (carla) boyfriend (tim).

back in the summer of 2005 i attended the j’explore french program. i roomed with the two most fabulous people you could ever meet: carla from nova scotia and nala from toronto. we made a vow to write to each other every two months by snail mail– never happened. nor have i been getting any telephone calls from either of them. i’ve only called carla one other time and i’ve called nala once before too. but i dont’ recall them ever calling me.

well last night, i had a dream about carla and tim– they met at french camp, and had a little break inbetween but continued their relationship, and both attend MUN university in newfoundland– and how they visited me. it was a vivid dream. my store manager was in the dream too. kind of weird.

they wanted to go eat pho and then i promised them that i’d take them to bon’s for breakfast the following morning.

last night i was about to call them, but i was too caught up in watching random ’sex and the city’ episodes for the first time. i guess this is why i dreamt about them.

unfortunately carla wasn’t home and was at the library. so i talked to tim instead. he said he wasn’t much of a conversationalist and our convo wasn’t more than 8 min. but boy did those 8 min seem to drag on! it’s hard for people to just reconnect again after such a long period of non-communication.

well, this isn’t totally true.

my friend christie, whom i also met at french camp, call me once in awhile and we’d take turns. all our convos are about an hr long. but that’s short considering how much catching up we have to do on each other’s lives! we talk during the summer and during winter break. that’s it. so really, one hr isn’t really sufficient catching-up time at all! oh well. they’re still great convos, nonetheless.

i talked about this before: people start off as strangers, become friends, and then become strangers again. it’s a sad, sad phenomenon. but it’s reality.

but i’m such a sentimental person, i wish it weren’t true.

anyway, i bet those were a painful 8 min for tim. esp cause he had to study for his final tomorrow and woke up at 6am to do a final and then study some more.

next time i hope to get a hold of carla, my dear, sweet, sweet ex-roommate whom i miss beaucoup.

i will now leave you with a quote from catcher in the rye: “don’t tell anybody anything. if you do, you start missing everybody.”

xox

 

wordpress changed.

i don’t know what the wordpress reader sees, but for the wordpress writer, this site has changed.

i don’t like it when sites do that. about a couple weeks ago facebook pulled the same thing: they changed their site. when i was going through my account information and account settings i found it hard to navigate.

when i returned to xanga after abandoning it for over a year, i didn’t even know what to do anymore. everything changed.

the only thing constant is change.

and this makes me wonder: what will happen when i come back from japan after 8 months and all my friends have changed and i can no longer communicate with them? what if my leave causes rifts in our relationships? what if i’ve changed?

i don’t like change. can you tell?

everytime i order food from a restaurant i never step outside of my comfort zone. i always order the same thing. i am loyal to what i like. but this is food. food cannot make judgements and reject me.

but people can.

will i stay among the same circle of friends when i come back? will i talk to the same peeps as i always do? will i be able to tell liss every second of my life? or will she find someone else to do that? will my baby cousins even remember me after i come back? or will they forget?

oh yeah.
on friday i went to the police station after procrastinating for 3 weeks. it costed $60 to get a criminal records check! SIXTY-DOLLLARS, HOLLLARRRR!!

i wonder why saving money is so hard. i wonder.

 

the gap between my hyphenated identity

 

i am a second-generation chinese-canadian. or am i a third generation?
these things become problematic.
you see, my father’s father immigrated to vancouver back in the late 50’s…or was it the 60’s? details aren’t important. anyway, my grandfather opened a restaurant here in vancouver called “the sunnyside cafe.” how do i know all this stuff? back in grade 7 we had the option of working on a heritage workshop or performing a play. from the direction of this blog, it’s quite obvious i chose the former.
so here’s my point: this makes My father a second-generation chinese-canadian. so we can’t both be second-generation chinese-canadians– this is my logic. but you see, my mom immigranted here from canton, china. thus, most people would consider me to be a second-generation chinese-canadian because of this.

anyway, chines— i mean, Lunar New Year is fast approaching (three days away to be precise), and the gap between my father’s side and my mother’s side is even more distinct around these cultural celebrations.

my mom is full-out traditional. today is the official day of clean-up and she has not let me off the hook just yet. which explains why my room is only half cleaned. when i go over to my mom’s parent’s house i have to speak to them in chinese or else they will not understand me. and i must greet my aunts and uncles by their individual kinship terms. in case you are not familiar with the system, the term “aunt” takes on several forms depending on whom you are addressing. your mom’s sister is called something completely different from your dad’s sister. and your mom’s brother’s wife is called something completely different from your dad’s brother’s wife. and so forth. so to make this whole confusion a little more easy to comprehend: there are a lot of terms to remember, which explains the pause that becomes between the “hi” and the “kinship term.”

i only have things half as bad. you see, on my dad’s side we don’t do any of that stuff. like i’ve mentioned earlier, they were born and raised here so they’re as white-washed as my friends and i. a simple “hi auntie janet” or “hi auntie lorna” works perfectly for them.
…and when it comes to Lunar New Year, everything is lacking as well. they usually give about 10-20 dollars to each person. and maybe i’m being greedy, but they also don’t understand the traditions as well. my auntie lorna came by yesterday (probably because she didn’t know the exact new year date) to give red envelopes to my mom to hand out to us. and my auntie janet, well, one year she only handed out ONE envelope because my uncle was there with her. and when you’re married you’re suppose to hand out TWO despite them being there or not.

so i guess it’s minor things like that…

and during christmas dinners at my house, i’d have both side of the family over. my dad’s side would take over the dining room table and sparsely in the living rooms upstairs. while my mom’s side would take over the living room and kitchen downstairs. the stairs is symbolic of the hypen that is a part of my identity. in one realm, everyone speaks chinese and there are little kids running around everyone. in the other realm, everyone speaks perfect english (sans accent) and their kids are watching christmas specials.

i am not a typical second-generation chinese-canadian with parents and family members speaking broken english. the hypen between my being ‘chinese’ and my being ‘canadian’ is separated by some distant force much greater than the hypen itself.

 

inventory.

after staying until 1am last saturday working on inventory at work, i did a little mental inventory of my own closet. and i’ve come to one conclusion: i’ve too many clothes and i should stop shopping.

these are all things i’ve worn in the last two years
boots: 5
flats: 9
casual shoes: 3
work shoes: 1
sport shoes: 2
flip flops/ sandles: 8
pumps/ dressy wear: 6
total= 34

outerwear:
blazers: 5
spring/ autumn jackets: 3
peacoats: 2
winter wear: 2
total= 12

…i think you get the picture. i needn’t get into clothing…i can’t even keep track of everything i own. but you get the picture and that’s all that matters!

i’m disgusted by my habit. what can i say? i’m a sucker for sales. like the other day i bought a cobalt blue cardigan…gold flats…a red roxy jacket…and a side bag. do i reaaaaaaaally need all this?! my spending is getting excessive. working in retail is my greatest downfall. i mean, i was already an excessive shopper to begin with, but working there only encourages it.

speaking of work..i’ve worked 30+ hrs this week. ugh.

thank goodness for ice cream.

 

i’m scared of skytrains.

yesterday i was heading to work.
we just left granville skytrain and the skytrain started accelerating to burrard.
THEN
all of a sudden it made a screeching halt.
people flipped sideways.
because we stayed stationed between granville and burrard we were underground.
i felt stranded in a train full of strangers
in a cave away from civilization.
alone and afraid was i.

so apparently someone jumped on the tracks and that’s why all the trains had to stop.

must i take the skytrain again to work today?

 

she’s been lonely her whole life.

yesterday i tagged along with my mom while she visited my yee poh (my grandpa’s cousin’s mother) at the senior home. i cannot fathom the thoughts that ran through my mind when i walked past the eating hall filled with other people’s grandfathers and grandmothers; but mostly grandmothers. my yee poh was in the recreation centre where they were watching some chinese television show. my mom scanned all the grandmother’s faces trying to find our yee poh. she was the only one wearing shades and a cap.

she was so overjoyed when she saw my mom and i. you could hear, but mostly feel her gratitude, warmth and appreciation for our visit. she kept on thanking my mom for visiting and she would reach out her hand for me ever so often and would grasp onto me. even though she’s my distant relative, i felt so close to her and so, so guilty at the same time. i could tell even though she was wearing shades that she was teary-eyed because even i felt overwhelmed that i wanted to cry. when we left i hugged her and she kissed me. and our departure only made me feel more guilty.

my mom only visits once a year. my grandpa visits once a year. her son visits ever so often. and her grandchildren and great-grandchildren visit infrequently.

when we left my mom told me how my yee poh’s been lonely her whole life. her husband was beat to death and she was left widowed. her son went to hong kong to make a living. and then he immigrated to canada with my grandpa. it wasn’t until her son married that she was able to move to canada. to their dismay, she didnt get along with her daughter in law, so she move out. then she worked as someone’s nanny until retirement. she lived alone in an apartment closeby to chinatown until she could no longer take care of herself. now she’s living in the senior’s home 3 yrs shy of 100.

are our own grandparents and greatgrandparents such a bother that we must remove them from society and into one institution? are we so consumed in our own lives and fortunes that we do not love and respect our elderly? this subject depresses me too much. a higher-being created humans so that every one of us will grow old, so why do we only send love and empathy to our senior familial ties at our own convenience? why should love be conditional and limited?

 

i am irritable

i will now make a list of all my pet-peeves and the small things that bother me regardless of its significance:
-leg-shakers. i live in vancouver, i’m afraid of earthquakes as it is. please stop moving the ground around me!
-etre en retard. if i can help it, im a very punctual person. so if you’re late, you piss me off! the end.
-my philosopher prof likes to say the word “guy(s)” a lot. since i never listen in that class anyway, i decided to keep a tally of how many times he says it. so from 12:25- 12:45, he said it 32 times. for a professor to resort to the word “guy(s)” at Every lecture is disappointing…so i guess my point is: lack of eloquence when it’s appropriate bothers me.
-i also get easily annoyed at noises, noises, noises. fidgeting fingers that click on pens– ugh. pop, pop, popping bubble gums– ugh. the sound of uneaseful breathing; are you sick? then blow your nose, please for the sake of my sanity!
-head-patters. why are you patting my head? are you patrionizing me?
-people who turn up the volume of their music super loud on the bus when it’s early in the morning and i just want to rest my eyes. does the whole bus need to know you have bad taste when it comes to music?

and yes i am aware i sound totally unpleasant and sort of bitchy. but i need to get it out or else i will suffocate in my own annoyance! yes, it seems like almost anything can bug me…
i’m not even totally done with my list yet. im about 50% done my term paper..so i better continue while i’m ahead.

toodles.

 

i’m so conflicted!

strangers become friends, then friends become strangers again.

i have probably made 1500 acquintanceships, if not more. and it saddens me that people who were so dear to me in elementary, high school, encounters of canada, and j’expore french camp are mere acquaintances. it was a false reality to believe that i would keep in touch with these friends. but that’s what happens, you make friends and soon they become strangers…

there are jabillion people in the world! isnt it just pure serendipity that two people meet and become friends? it takes such fate. it just makes me so, so sad that this fate gets taken for granted and soon friends part and may never talk/ see each other again.

if i had it my way, i would try to keep in contact with ALL my dear friends. but i know that this would be a very exhausting responsbility. and perhaps this will turn me depressed. i’d wonder: why am i always the one to make the effort to stay in touch? do i value their company way more than they value mine? and so forth. it’d be emotionally draining.

i feel like a hypocrite because i broke up a friendship this past summer. i mean, how rarely does this happen anyway? so here i am blabbing about how i want to keep all my friendship ties and i went and broke one of them.

anyway, it is important to remove the excess. trim the fat. if a friendship actually becomes emotionally heavy, perhaps it is good to take it off.

okay but back to the original topic…
now a real phenomenon in this whole losing contact is with past girlfriends and boyfriends. i mean, during the relationship you would be in each other’s company a lot, and talk a lot. and isnt it just so sad that some past relationships don’t even continue as on a friendship basis anymore? a higher being (don’t know who…) created these two people, and the fact that they are able to build a relationship between one another and despite having separated, they don’t even spend time with one another anymore! i wonder why that happens…
as formerly mentioned: REMOVE THE EXCESSS. TRIM THE FAT.

on this makes me feel so conflicted! human contact is a phenomenon i will never fully understand…never.

 

the love song of j. alfred prufrock

i absolutely ADOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE this poem by t.s. eliot. i don’t think i’ve ever liked a poem like this before.

here’s one of my favourite stanzas of this poem:
And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes; 25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate; 30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

i love the repetition of “time.” it seems like prufrock is justifying how he doesn’t need to seize the day (carpe diem), how he has “the time” to go abouts without taking action. his inability to take action, make decisions and his constant contemplation reminds me of myself, but obvioiusly, he is to the extreme of this obsession.

never once does he actually make this “the love song” as expected of his readers. he is so afraid to go through with it and expose himself. what he does expose, however, is this self-conflicting angst of this mask: what he wants people to see, and what he tries to conceal. like he said: to prepare a face to meet the faces that you will meet. everyone puts on a mask…

i also love the part where he talks about “a pair of ragged claws/ scuttling across the floors of silent seas…” is that synedoche? or a metonym? anyway, obviously he’s using the device to represent a crab. and what do we know of crabs? they can only shuffle sideways, and they cannot move forward.

–

i just love this poem. so i decided to share my life with liss on the bus today. i whipped out my poem and i started analyzing it with her. and then after i would finish my point this man standing on the bus would nod his head confirming all my thoughts. then after a little while, we had a tiny dicussion about the poem and he helped explain some latin/ greek that i dindt understand.

turns out he’s a professor at ubc and he’s planning to treach prufrock to his arts one class in the spring semester.

now im going to be a tad more cautious when i analyze a timeless poem, such as prufrock.

but isnt this amazing? it’s like poetry bonding people– strangers on the bus!

that’s all for now!