il fait parti de moi hier soir

you know that ‘the office’ episode where the guy is heartbroken so he plays ‘goodbye my lover’ on repeat. well i am not listening to any particular song on repeat but i am listening to a playlist of songs that remind me of nicholas. and i am not heartbroken. i just realized i will not be seeing him for possibly eight months, and maybe three months if i am lucky.

it still has not kicked in yet. the closest moment to me realizing that i will not see him for a long time was when i wanted to drop him off instead of him bussing me home. i wanted to spend more time with him, you see. and his mom wanted him home by 7 30. so i walked him to his apartment. when he finally went into the elevator it still did not hit me. a few moments later he opened the elvator door and started waving at me. i waved back. and then the door closed. i stood there looking at the numbers go up…G, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 and finally it landed on the 14th floor. and that’s when i knew the elevator door was not going to open again and i would not see him smiling at me while he waved.

still, i did not cry.

i went home and started compiling all our photos into the photo album he gave me. i called him once i got home to let him know i got home safely. and then he called me after his shower. still, it did not hit me.

he called me after he checked in the airport and we talked for an hour. and still, it did not hit me. i felt indifferent. after we hung up i went to sleep immediately.

i woke up around 2 though and i probably didn’t sleep until 5 even after i drank warm milk. so maybe it does affect me subconsciously.

i woke up at 8. and didnt’ make the playlist until 9. and this is what i have been listening to for the past 1.5 hrs.

ideally i would not want a boyfriend before i leave for japan because distance will either make the heart grow fonder or it will make the eyes wander. it’s too much of an emotional risk. and nicholas was never in the picture when i applied for the japan co-op program. i’ve asked him several times “what did you get yourself into?” and he’d always reply with “a great thing.”

we’ve already taken a giant leap of faith. we’ll have to see where we go from here…

 

i just got off the phone with…

my ex-roommate’s (carla) boyfriend (tim).

back in the summer of 2005 i attended the j’explore french program. i roomed with the two most fabulous people you could ever meet: carla from nova scotia and nala from toronto. we made a vow to write to each other every two months by snail mail– never happened. nor have i been getting any telephone calls from either of them. i’ve only called carla one other time and i’ve called nala once before too. but i dont’ recall them ever calling me.

well last night, i had a dream about carla and tim– they met at french camp, and had a little break inbetween but continued their relationship, and both attend MUN university in newfoundland– and how they visited me. it was a vivid dream. my store manager was in the dream too. kind of weird.

they wanted to go eat pho and then i promised them that i’d take them to bon’s for breakfast the following morning.

last night i was about to call them, but i was too caught up in watching random ’sex and the city’ episodes for the first time. i guess this is why i dreamt about them.

unfortunately carla wasn’t home and was at the library. so i talked to tim instead. he said he wasn’t much of a conversationalist and our convo wasn’t more than 8 min. but boy did those 8 min seem to drag on! it’s hard for people to just reconnect again after such a long period of non-communication.

well, this isn’t totally true.

my friend christie, whom i also met at french camp, call me once in awhile and we’d take turns. all our convos are about an hr long. but that’s short considering how much catching up we have to do on each other’s lives! we talk during the summer and during winter break. that’s it. so really, one hr isn’t really sufficient catching-up time at all! oh well. they’re still great convos, nonetheless.

i talked about this before: people start off as strangers, become friends, and then become strangers again. it’s a sad, sad phenomenon. but it’s reality.

but i’m such a sentimental person, i wish it weren’t true.

anyway, i bet those were a painful 8 min for tim. esp cause he had to study for his final tomorrow and woke up at 6am to do a final and then study some more.

next time i hope to get a hold of carla, my dear, sweet, sweet ex-roommate whom i miss beaucoup.

i will now leave you with a quote from catcher in the rye: “don’t tell anybody anything. if you do, you start missing everybody.”

xox

 

wordpress changed.

i don’t know what the wordpress reader sees, but for the wordpress writer, this site has changed.

i don’t like it when sites do that. about a couple weeks ago facebook pulled the same thing: they changed their site. when i was going through my account information and account settings i found it hard to navigate.

when i returned to xanga after abandoning it for over a year, i didn’t even know what to do anymore. everything changed.

the only thing constant is change.

and this makes me wonder: what will happen when i come back from japan after 8 months and all my friends have changed and i can no longer communicate with them? what if my leave causes rifts in our relationships? what if i’ve changed?

i don’t like change. can you tell?

everytime i order food from a restaurant i never step outside of my comfort zone. i always order the same thing. i am loyal to what i like. but this is food. food cannot make judgements and reject me.

but people can.

will i stay among the same circle of friends when i come back? will i talk to the same peeps as i always do? will i be able to tell liss every second of my life? or will she find someone else to do that? will my baby cousins even remember me after i come back? or will they forget?

oh yeah.
on friday i went to the police station after procrastinating for 3 weeks. it costed $60 to get a criminal records check! SIXTY-DOLLLARS, HOLLLARRRR!!

i wonder why saving money is so hard. i wonder.

 

i went to visit my former high school today…

and for those that are unaware of the situation, my hs is going through a massive reconstruction to earthquake-proof itself.

everything just looks so different. walking through the halls did not give me the nostalgic feeling i had hoped for.

i am a very sentimental person. when i walked through the school i had to make certain detours because parts of the school was blocked for reconstruction. how could a former student of five years be lost in a school that was so near and dear to her? i was disappointed because the sentimental feelings i associate with my school only lies in my memories now. walking through the school is like walking through unknown territory. a stranger in a building with new students, new teachers, new classrooms and new hallways.

i miss you.

 

i’m not one to be modest with my achievements…

…but i’m also not one to hold back when it comes to being open with my mistakes. this dear reader, is the value of humility.

so two nights ago i was pretty stoked about baking another batch of vegan brownies. how do you bake vegan brownies you ask? well, instead of using milk, butter and eggs you replace it with applesauce. sounds far-fetched? well, just a tad. but it is still delicious and you do not taste a hint of apple at all, really!

so after buying chocolate chips and walnuts i went straight to the kitchen and started baking. everything was going dandy! i had my dry ingredients in one bowl and my wet ingredients in another. everything was great. but only guess what? i used a TABLESPOON to measure my baking powder, baking soda, salt, and vanilla extract instead of using a TEASPOON. hot diggity.

did i mention i attempted to make four batches as opposed to their recommendated one batch? so i 4X everything! fancy that. i should have known something was fishy by the size of the TBSP (i swear, the B was practically camouflaged). i used 120 mL of baking powder and 60mL of baking soda and quite a bit of salt…

have you ever tried salty brownies? if you’d like to try some…call me up. i need to get rid of my brownies or else i’ll just end up composting it all.

don’t get me wrong, my brownies are still very delicious! i just can’t seem to swallow any of that deliciousness…

xoxo
–boots

 

how rude!

okay reader, i am in a dilemna– or should i say, i have been in one for quite a while.

there’s this girl, you see, i’ve had class with her since first year and i liked her a lot back when we sat together in lecture and we didnt’ really have much quality interactions. things should have stayed that way.

we hung out once before i went to china and she sort of annoyed me that day. but i thought: oh maybe i’m just moody and stressed about packing!

but then we hung out again when i came back and i immediately labeled her DEBBIE DOWNER (you know…that character from Mad TV)! I CANNOT STAND HER. it’s her attitude. it’s how her attitude is delivered in her tone. not so much what she says…all the time. but it’s How she says things.

she offends me!
“oh you like that…? i think that’s kind of ugly”

she pokes/taps me to get my attn!
it’s not like i’m a terrible deaf and you can’t get my attn by saying my name.

she doens’t say please and thank you!
i’m so……anal (there! i admit it!) sometimes and i always, always, always notice when someone doesn’t ask for something politely. they just take it and expect me to be fine with it. WELL I’M NOT. I’M BLOODY NOT! or maybe it’s just because i dont like you.

flashback: in grade 10 i had a pencil case full of assorted pencil crayons (i guess this will make it a pencil crayon case) and this girl (whom i didn’t quite fancy…and still dont) just went up to my desk adn started using my pencil crayons WITHOUT ASKING. WITHOUT PERMISSION. i guess this is where the association of bad feelings + taking without asking comes from. everytime someone does that, someone i don’t like, it just gives me a bigger excuse to hate them! i’m too irritable.

so my dilemna is: how do i continue hanging out with someone who bothers me to this great degree…but is also my lab partner and in my group for a project in another class? (yes, i have TWO classes with her…im going to lose my sanity!)

i’ve never had to work With her before, and now she bugs me EVEN MORE.
did you read the lab yet?
did you read the lab before class yet?
you’re going to read the lab tonight, right?
did you read the lab yesterday?
have you read the lab?
did you find the articles?
don’t forget to find the articles!
have you written the lit reviews?
did you bring your lit reviews?
don’t forget to read your lab for fri– SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

i will EXPLODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDE one day–soon.

 

a little part of me dies…

…when i have to wait outside for the bus and my ears are frozen to pure numbness. oh dear fate, why must such cruelty be put upon me?!
i’ve practically told the whole world now, but it never hurts to remind everyone the cause of my agony. well reader, last thursday my ear muffs snapped. i was putting it on my head and then it snapped and broke, never again to rest comfortably on my head.
every single time i go out and i’m wearing a fabulous outfit, i think inside my head: well folks, if you think this outfit is grass-kickin’ you should have seen it matched with my pair of ear muffs. pure gorgeousity.

like today, i’m pretty stoked about my outfit right now– even more so than usual. i bought a pair of hot tamale (aka red) denims at work last week and they are sooooo fabulous. and they made their debute on campus this morning. honestly, when i walked out of my house i felt like the street was my runway. i strutted that thang like no tomorrow! especially when i crossed that busy intersection. i felt those green eyes on me. i knew they wanted a pair. or at least they knew it looked good on me. hey, i’m not going to lie, they’re a pair of really hot denims. fashionably delicious!

which reminds me…how much more delicious it would have been if i had my pair of ear muffs…

OMGAT. I SOOOOOOO WANT THE PINK ONE!!

sooooooooooooooo beautiful!!! i really, really want the pink one!!!!!!

okay, when you lose something you treasure and adore, you may not immediately want a replacement because of all those precious memories you’ve had. BUT, eventaully you will need to because that thing you had was clearly a necessity (like my ear muffs were!) so what do you do? buy a new pair! but you can’t just buy ANY pair…if you’re going to replace your old ones, you’re going to have to do it right!

don’t settle for less. that’s what i always say. these burberry ear muffs are SOOOOOOOOOOO perfect. i want them!! i practically NEED them!! too bad they’re $125…quite pricey… my old ones were only $20. so this is like 5 times as expensive! hmmmmmmmmmmm

where is a january santa when you need one?